


Never Get Between the Devil and his Coffee

by Antarctic_Echoes



Series: Luciferian Fics (One shots) [9]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Finally a rude customer gets called out on their rudeness, Gen, Humor, May or may not be based on a true story, Retail, Special place in hell for these people, Starbucks, rude customer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 17:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8853514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctic_Echoes/pseuds/Antarctic_Echoes
Summary: Lucifer deals with a rude customer while waiting in line at Starbucks.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScooterThyme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScooterThyme/gifts).



> This is dedicated to my excellent, hard-working beta, ScooterThyme! Merry Christmas!!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Lucifer Morningstar is owned by Vertigo Comics, DC Comics, Neil Gaiman, Mike Carey, and everyone else involved with the Lucifer TV show and comic books. I own nothing and make no money on this. I merely am borrowing the characters for... uh... writing practice.

 

 

Lucifer Morningstar stood in line at Starbucks and sighed heavily.  

Usually he didn’t have to wait, but it was the Christmas rush, and his wonderful barista was so busy with the huge line of customers ahead of him that he couldn’t catch her eye to get special treatment.  Frowning, he shifted from foot to foot and waited.  Patience had never been his strong suit.

Just as Lucifer got to the front, a balding man in a rumpled suit pushed his way in front of him and snarled to his favorite barista, “You didn’t make my coffee right!  I ordered four -- count them, four -- grande drinks from you people and you totally screwed up my order!”

The barista blinked in surprise.  “I’m sorry, but we made them the way you’ve always asked for them, and it’s never been a problem before --”

“Well, it’s a problem now!”

Lucifer watched with disdain as the nasty human slammed the cup holder with four cups on the counter.  The man ripped off the lids and pointed to one of the cups.  “I specifically asked for a peppermint mocha with soy milk and you left out the mocha syrup --”

“It’s inside the drink --”

“You always put it on top!”  The nasty human pointed to the next cup.  “This one isn’t even filled all the way!”

“If we put in any more coffee, it would spill --”

“And this one!  This is supposed to be a salted caramel hot chocolate, but you put caramel sauce on top of the whipped cream!”

“It’s always on top --”

“And this one!  This one takes the cake!  I asked for a grande iced coffee, filled to the top with coffee -- no ice, no water.  You didn’t do that!  Instead you filled the cup to a line with concentrated ice-brewed coffee, then added water and ice.  That wasn’t what I asked for!  You tried to rip me off!”

“Sir, for the amount of coffee you wanted, we could have charged you for a venti and put it in a grande cup, but you said no, and to just make it the way we normally do --”

“You people are a disgrace!   You should be ashamed of yourselves!  Rest assured, I’m going to get all of your asses fired!  Do you hear me?   _Fired!”_

The entire Starbucks staff looked like they were going to cry, with the exception of Lucifer’s favorite barista, who looked like she was going to explode.  The Devil could see he was never going to get his coffee if he didn’t take matters into his own hands.  He tried his charm first.

“Come on, sir, that can’t possibly be what you want, is it?  Firing all these lovely people?” Lucifer asked as he caught the man’s eye and cocked his head at him.  “Surely there is something else that you desire?”

The man stared at the Devil, his eyes growing wide and glazed.  “I... I....”

“I mean, come now, what have these lovely people done to you?  Now tell me....  What is it you truly desire?”

“A... A cup of coffee....”

Lucifer straightened with a smile.  “Splendid!  Simple enough!  What kind of drink?  I’m sure these wonderful people can make you whatever you wish....”

The man continued to stare at him with glazed eyes.  “I want a caramel brulee frappuccino with half soy milk, half whole milk, with an added shot of espresso.... And it has to have light whipped cream with extra caramel sauce.  And I don’t want to pay.”

Lucifer blinked at the man’s greed.  He was tempted to tell the man to visit Hell posthaste, but he really wanted to get his espresso....

“Very well.  I’ll pay for your frappuccino.”  Nodding to the barista, the Devil said, “I’m sure this lovely woman can get that for you --”

But then the human started yelling, “But they can’t make it right!  They _never_ make it right!  You know why?  Because they are all stupid!   _Stupid!_  And I’m going to get all of their asses _fired!”_

Giving a small sigh, Lucifer rolled his eyes then looked at his favorite barista, who looked disgusted.  

“He does this once a week,” she said apologetically.  “I’d call security if I could --”

“Say no more, my dear.  I’ll take care of it.”

Before the nasty human could say another word, Lucifer grabbed him by his jacket collar and lifted him right off the ground.  Holding the man up like a disgusting creature -- which he was, Lucifer had no doubt -- he carried him out the door and into a side alley.

Once outside, the Devil set the nasty man down on his feet, then showed him his Devil face.  The man yelped in horror as Lucifer leaned in close.

“You know who I am, do you not?”

“Good God --” he whimpered.

“No, not Dad, _me._ ” Lucifer said with a roll of his eyes.  “Bloody hell -- I never get any respect around here.  I mean, why don’t people say, ‘oh my Satan’ or ‘Bad Devil’ or even just ‘Lucifer Morningstar’?  Seriously, I don’t get any respect.  Instead, people say, ‘as black as the Devil,’ or ‘Devil take the hindmost.’  As if I only deserve the rump of a beast instead of the most choice parts?!  Bloody hell, it’s infuriating!”

The man nodded wordlessly, looking as gray as a corpse.

Suddenly realizing he was getting off-track, the fallen angel turned his attention to the offending human.  “Now then, you’ve been very, very bad... harassing those poor people for no reason at all.  And during the holidays, as well!  Have you any idea how much you’ve inconvenienced the Starbucks staff, not to mention those poor patrons inside?  You deserve some punishment.”

“Oh god --” he whimpered.

Lucifer gave a frustrated sigh.  “Still hoping dear old Dad is going to intervene?  You bloody sod!   _He_ can’t help you -- not right now.  Oh no.  You’re with _me_ now... and I’d love to pull off your arms and legs like the insect you are --”

“No no no!  Please!” the human begged.

The Devil paused, disappointment on his face.  “No?  But the pain would be exquisite --”

“Please!  Please, I’ll do anything, I swear --”

The Devil sighed unhappily.  “Oh, very well.  I can’t stand when you humans beg.  Don’t you have any pride?”  At the man shaking his head violently, Lucifer decided to cut him loose.  “Fine.  Run along, then, and never bother this fine establishment again.”

Howling and screaming in horror, the man backed away then broke into a run.  As he pulled his human glamour around him, Lucifer stared after the receding figure with disgust.  He was getting soft -- Maze would have at least made sure the man had a broken limb, or something!  Oh, well....

Stepping back into the Starbucks store, the fallen angel was surprised to find himself greeted with a wide round of applause.  Puffing up with pride, he bowed a few times and thanked the crowd. Sauntering up to the counter, he saw his favorite barista hand him his favorite drink -- a Caramel Macchiato.

“On the house, Mr. Morningstar,” she said with a relieved grin.  “Thank you for taking care of that jerk.”

“Oh, my pleasure, to be sure.”  He smiled kindly at her, and she blushed.

“That was the best Christmas present anyone could give us.  That ass makes everyone cry whenever he comes in,” she said.

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?  Then who would make my espresso?”

The barista smiled and said shyly, “I’d hug you if the counter wasn’t in the way.”

Lucifer chuckled.  “Well, call me any time you have trouble, or for anything else you may desire.”  Waggling his eyebrows brought a laugh to his favorite barista’s lips, and he grinned, feeling quite proud of himself.  When the crowds respectfully made way for him as he headed to the door, he felt... good.  He wasn’t one for doing things for others without something in return, but he had to admit that that freebie had been particularly satisfying.  Having done his good deed for the day, he walked toward his car with a spring in his step and whistled happily....


End file.
